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Not that annulled election again!
Dear
Sir, I am Ibrahim Babangida, but for the benefit of your readers
too young to know, or too old to remember, the name is General
Ibrahim Badamosi Babangida, formerly the Commander-in-Chief of
the Nigerian Armed Forces and the President of the Federal Republic
of Nigeria.
I wonder if any of your readers can jog my memory of the events,
which led to the annulment of the June 12, 1993 Presidential election
in Nigeria. I was at the time based in Aso Rock, Abuja and so,
not quite in a position to know how the election events were unfolding
in Nigeria. How I came to be blamed for what happened in Nigeria
while I was in Abuja, is entirely another matter for another time.
Truly
yours,
I.B.B.
Fort North,
Minna, Nigeria 
A joke that went too far
Dear Sir, As I can recall, myself as a chief member of the
Armed Forces Ruling Council, the whole 1993 democratic process
was a big non-event. It was a hollow noise we mounted to divert
the nation's attention from the real problems within the ruling
armed forces. (To be precise, between Babangida and Abacha.)
After
taking care of greedy civilian politicians, as we've done on previous
occasions, the whole election thing was supposed to fold up quietly
and everybody back to looking forward to another postponement.
First of all, it was beyond our wildest imagination that Abiola,
one of our own, will win an election supposed to be a charade.
As it was a fluke, we all, including Abiola himself, had a laugh
about his victory. But when the laughter died down, Abiola consulted
his hangers-on and decided to take it seriously. That, I think
was when the battle line was drawn. Abacha who was next in line
to succeed Babangida would have none of it.
Secondly, (…oh, I've lost the second point now. Anyway, my helicopter
is waiting. I have to fly to Victoria Island, Nigeria, to collect
rent on my property there.)
Satirically
yours,
Lt. General (rtd) Jeremiah Useni,
Arsehole Rock, Abuja
Cart before the horse
Dear Sir, A confidential source, namely the SSS, revealed to
me that Babangida annulled the election because Professor Nwosu,
who was the head of the electoral commission, forgot to hand in
the result of the election to Babangida before it was held.
That has always been the standard procedure where a country is
ruled by a dictator or a military junta, isn't it? I've been through
that system, so I know what I'm talking about.
Yours Sharia-ly,
Alhaji Sheu Shagari,
Ex- president of the Federal Republic of Nigeria,
Sokoto, Nigeria
(Are
you not, by any chance, referring to our cartoon, My Brother's
Kicker in Yesterdays? Or did we pinch our cartoon idea from you?)
The annulment's nobody's business
Dear
Sir, The June 12, annulment was a very small, private matter.
From my experience as a former Head of State, I know Nigerians
to have a penchant for going on and on about little things that
don't concern them, particularly if those involved are above our
station.
When military or political juggernauts are having a little private
quarrel among themselves, Nigerians always take it upon themselves
to interfere and end up blowing it out of all proportions.
For example, shortly before I seized power in 1983, two ministers
were having a quiet argument over a drink in a lobby of a five-star
hotel in Nigeria, about how to share a measly £0.28m performance-related
"bonus". Nigerians found their way into that argument and in no
time would be petitioning my regime that the sum involved was
a whopping £2.8m (a lot of money in those days). The petitioners,
with their journalist acomplices swore that the sum was interests
the ministers realised from lodging national oil sales funds in
a private account. Some said the sum was a bribe from some major
oil contractors.
While I was trying to make some sense out of the allegations,
Nigerians went about, telling the whole world all kinds of stories
and mentioning all kinds of outlandish figures. To
make their stories believable, they even impersonated, name-dropped,
and boasted about their relationship with those they accused.
In the confusion, I lost my sense of justice. I took rash decisions
and some big people ended up in detention who should'n be there.
That's
why, it is no surprise that big Nigerians, when they have the
opportunity, do not hesitate to loot the treasury, and call the
bluff of the people. That is why we come over as rude, arrogant,
and uninterested in the plight of the small Nigerian. That is
why big Nigerians like Ex-president Sheu Shagari and myself endorse
Sharia for the people.
Yours
sharia-ly and against indiscipline,
General (rtd) Muhammadu Buhari,
Daura, Nigeria
Your So-called Democracy
Dear
Sir, YOU journalists wrote me off when I decided to do what you
and your masters in the West were all clamouring for: to introduce
democracy and to hold multi-party elections. All along I had said
that in a country like ours, with its tribal polarisation, your
so-called democracy would not work, but you accused me of all
sorts of nefarious things under the sun.
Well, as you can see for yourselves, I am still in power and the
so-called champions of democracy have disappeared into oblivion
-banished by their own supporters because of their greed and selfishness.
The World Bank, IMF and aid donor Agencies have returned and it's
business as usual. My brother, President Mugabe is having a rough
time at the moment, but he'll survive. Experienced one-party democrats
like us always survive. Soon, all the so-called champions of multi-party
democracy in Zimbabwe and their white farmers supporters will
disappear into oblivion.
Remember Smith Hempstone? He was the US ambassador to Kenya some
years back. He was notorious for running around Nairobi like a
headless chicken trying to galvanise the opposition. Where is
he now?
Hempstone made an ass of himself. How can he preach about democracy
and the respect for human rights to us, when the majority of African-Americans
do not know these things. You ask Rodney King and millions of
his people who have to endure the rigours of a police state. What
about the civil war, too, that is raging between young African-Americans
and the police in the inner cities? We are always told by CNN
how wonderful it is for those living in the US. Oh yeah?
Let's take a look at poverty among African-Americans. Almost one
in two African-American child is born below the poverty level
compared to only 1 in 6.6 white children. Similarly, while 8.6
out of every thousand white infants die, the figure for African-Americans
is 17.9 in every thousand, a rate higher than the infant mortality
rates in Trinidad and Costa Rica, much poorer nations than the
US.
Turning to the World Bank/IMF clique, as a good customer of many
years, I know them inside out. You see, both institutions are
full of failed Western "experts" who would not be given jobs as
secondary school teachers in their own countries. But, oh no,
they come to Africa throwing their weight around and dishing out
so-called economic recovery prescriptions that have all failed
to work. In fact they have made the patients' condition much worse.
Indeed, these "experts" I can assure you, cannot organise a booze-up
in a brewery, which will disappoint you journalists, who like
long liquid lunches.
If you don't believe me, 1 refer you to the scandalous situation
some years back when three managers at the World Bank were sent
on leave because they could not budget even for the construction
of a new headquarters in Washington. The figures kept jumping
up because of "loose project manage-ment", which is World Bankspeak
for "the experts did not know their arse from their elbow ".
I hope this letter will be a lesson to all you Africans who believe
that the West has your interest at heart.
Dictatorially yours,
Daniel arap Moi
President, Republic of Kenya State House,
Nairobi, Kenya
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