Hospitality
Without warning, arrive at a friend's doorstep with your entire household for the weekend. As an African, you are quite entitled to be welcomed and be feasted - thanks to an aspect of our custom, which sees surprise visits as deserving our magnanimity.

You can even stretch your one weekend stay by three full weeks and in the process impoverish your host. The money thus saved should be sufficient to "retaliate" (apologies to Idi Amin), I mean, reciprocate your friend's hospitality should he return your visit with his own mammoth retinue; or to host another family who might decide to spring a surprise visit on you; or to clear the debt left by your last guest.

African Cuisine
Hours before your party, invite your neighbours to a private reception in your home. Feast them to mouth-watering African dishes, get them really pissed on Star and Gulder beer and send them home.

That way, when you have your noisy all-night party later, your neighbours will be too fast asleep to complain to the police.

Live-in Nanny
Kill two birds with one stone. Send your ageing mother back home a flight ticket to visit you in England for a well-deserved break.

Now, what have you got? A live-in domestic help and nanny to your baby due in a few weeks. Her total emoluments for the period of one year or so she'll be staying with you would be nothing near what you would have forked out for the service locally.

Native Tongue
Next time you visit your local Department of Housing, insist on speaking in your own language through an interpreter.
That way you can articulate your demand better and get the confused officers to part with at least a fair sized Council property paid for by taxpayers. After all, that was how the British colonial government was able to make your ancestors cede their "territories" to the Queen - which is why you have ended up in England, homeless.

Editor's note: We chanced upon one of such cession documents at the British Library recently. This particular document recorded how the King (Oba) of Lagos (Nigeria) handed over his territory to the British government in 1861. Below is an excerpt from the document of cession:

"…I, Docemo, do with the consent and advice of my council, give, transfer and by these presents grant and confirm onto the Queen of Great Britain, her heirs and successors for ever, the port and island of Lagos, with all the rights, profits, territories, and appurtenances whatsoever thereunto belonging and as well as the profits and revenue as the direct, full and absolute dominion, and sovereignty of the said port, island and premises, with all the royalties thereof, freely, fully, entirely and absolutely…"

Cheap Labour
You are a foreigner going to work in Africa. Don't sell yourself short. Say you are a production engineer when applying for jobs in Africa even though you are an assembly line worker in the Dagenham, UK, car factory.

What's in your favour is the fact that in Africa of today, there's still the widespread belief that the white folks are nice, friendly, hardworking, and incapable of telling white lies.

What's also in your favour is the fact that whatever factory you are the boss of, will in all likelihood not be producing anything, due to lack of raw materials, machinery, equipment, electricity and water supply for the duration of your contract. Sit back, shit on the natives and enjoy your holiday!

Fair Exchange
As a foreigner visiting Nigeria, always carry not more than a £5 note or a $10 bill, just in case you run into armed robbers or you accidentally run somebody over with your hired car.

If the latter is the case, civilians will arrest you all right, and duly hand you over to the police. But you will sooner be let off the hook if you offered your only crisp £5 note or $10 bill.

Remember, what is found on you is what the offence is worth. So if you commit a minor traffic offence and they find £2,000 cash, and several credit cards on you, I'm afraid, that's the price you'll have to pay!

Drink problem
You want to quit drinking? Here's what to do.

Drive yourself from the venue where you've just had a good night of heavy boozing, and make sure you drive safely (after all, it's drinking you want to quit, not the world!).

After a few yards, stop the car and call the police from your mobile phone. Leave your car engine running so that as soon as you spot the police approach you can pretend to be attempting to drive off, giving them sufficient reason to arrest you for driving under the influence of alcohol.

The law will be too glad to help you solve your boozing problem by taking away your driving licence and also impose a heavy fine..

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