BOOZER
Buyinga Buwenge mistook the Kamuli police station, Uganda, for his old watering hole and spent eight hours in the cells for his faux pas.

When he received his salary arrears for April and May, the waiter went on a drunken bender for two days, crawling from bar to bar. Finally, he decided to visit his old drinking haunt, not knowing that it had been turned into a police station. His excitement turned into annoyance when he did not receive service at the front desk.

So he went into the enquiry office where a plain clothed officer was sitting. Buwenge moaned: "Waiter, you are idling. Is there any waragi (the local brew)?" "No," replied the policeman who promptly asked Buwenge to take off his shoes and empty his pockets into a small bag before frog-matching him to the cells to cool off.

PRIEST OF LITTLE FAITH
A priest conducting a funeral near Tema in Ghana informed mourners that he was ever ready to face death. He challenged them to show if they could say the same for themselves. He was soon to be put to the test.

At the cemetery a swarm of bees attacked the mourners. The priest was the first to take to his heels, dropping his bible in the process. He was nowhere to be seen when only six mourners returned to administer the final rites.

STRIPPER
When the police in Mbale, Uganda, went to arrest a man for assaulting his wife, he swiftly tore off his clothes and began singing and dancing. The policemen did not know whether he was really mad or just acting, so to err on the side of caution, they released him.

The problem started when the man told his wife and two children they were crowding him. He told them to leave because he was bringing in a new lover who would respect his privacy.

Reports say that the man soon quietened down after successfully dislodging his wife and two children. He is now living a quiet life with his new love and her nine children! But visitors have been wary of visiting him, as they believe he must be really mad.

AKPETESHIE NO GOOD-O
Older readers may recall the 60s Ghanaian highlife record, Akpeteshie no good-o, warning about the dangers of the moonshine liquor. Well, an electoral returning officer during the recent local government elections in Bolgatanga got stung by this deadly brew.

According to reports, Electoral Officer (EO) Sammy Kintampo and his assistant reported to the local chief, as custom demands, when they arrived.They would conduct the elections that would take place the following day.The chief entertained them to lunch. Akpeteshie was soon flowing, backed by a generous helping of kebab and a bevy of young ladies to boot.

They became drowsy and quickly fell asleep. When they woke up they discovered the party was still swinging and had even swelled with a popular local band and a traditional dancing troupe in attendance. They simply ordered for the replenishment of their Akpeteshie and continued where they left off, wandering why "ordinary EOs" like themselves should deserve all that attention.

Then, to their amazement, they found out later that the party was for a different purpose. They'd been out of action for over twenty-four hours during which time voting had taken place. This was not all. The Electoral Commission had also announced the results and commended them, the EOs, for their good work; and the party was a victory celebration for the chief's performance at the poll.

Questioned by journalists about the allegation that fake, faceless electoral officers conducted the Bolgatanga elections, deputy chairman of the Electoral Commission Adenzi Kanga said the press should avoid sensationalism. "Okay, Bolgatanga EOs were faceless. But that's how it's supposed to be. Look, these guys were simply magnificent and transparent, pure and simple".

WICKED IRONY
For many ordinary Nigerians, the country's petrol shortage is a pain. For an oil-producing nation this is even harder to fathom.

But the wife of a Lagos University lecturer must be thanking her lucky stars for the shortage.

When rampaging students stormed her husband's quarters, in protest against the financial crisis besetting the institution, they kidnapped the wife (presumably to ask for a ransom). But the vehicle in which they were fleeing soon ran out petrol, and while they were searching for the precious liquid, the lecturer's wife managed to escape.

A NOVEL ANSWER
How is this for a reply by a bureaucrat to a journalist? Told by the investigative newsman in Accra, Ghana, that the delay in paying out pensions to retired employees of the bureaucrat's parastatal was leading to hardship and deaths among members of this group, he retorted: "Don't give me that journalistic crap. Late payment of their pensions has nothing to do with their deaths. When you get to 70years of age, as many of them have done, you are expected to die."

HONOUR AMONG THIEVES
When robber Atua Emma died from injuries he sustained during a fight with gang members over the spoils of one raid, his colleagues decided to give him a fitting funeral.

In the best tradition of their profession they went on a burglary spree in Odumase Krobo in Ghana in order to "raise funds" for the burial of their mate.They quickly raised C 2 million (£2,000) and sent off their comrade in grand style. Police were unable to cope with the alarming rate with which the burglaries were carried out.

Residents have resorted to praying for the good health of the thieves, hoping that there are no more deaths among the thieving fraternity for some time to come.

AMAZING MAIZE MEAL
George Nakhainya, a farmer at Butemulani village, Bubulo County in Uganda, worried about the huge labour costs of harvesting his maize, decided to do it himself. So he began work at night. His neighbours believing that thieves were stealing Nakhainya's maize organised a citizen's arrest. When Nakhainya saw the posse approaching he thought he was being attacked by thieves so he took off, only to be felled by a stone of one of the vigilantes. It was when they heard his cry for help that they realised who the "thief" was. Was he upset about the way his neighbours had made a meal out of the maize "robbery"? No way. In fact, he praised them for being upright and responsible citizens.

OLD COW
After being caught out by the enraged wife of a young man she was having a sexual liaison with, a 66-year old woman told residents of Nsambya near Kampala, when asked whether she was not too old for such philandering: "Doesn't an old cow drink water, too?

A DOPEY LIST
Among the list of unclaimed items held by the police as itemised in Sierra Leone Government Gazette were a quantity of marijuana and a set of master keys. The police wanted the owners to claim their "stuff" or else they would be disposed of. That's official bureaucracy for you.