From the Editor’s throne
Thoughts… while sitting on this throne…

10/06/04

Have you noticed…, every Nigerian politician, from the president down, presently participating in ruling and ruining the country (and amassing wealth in the process) describes himself as a man of high integrity. Presumably, the rest of us are a dishonest and fraudulent lot, who need to be led through the straight and narrow by elder statesmen and politicians.

Recently, Chief Sunday Adewusi, a retired Inspector General of police used the launch of Community Policing, an initiative of the Federal government to sermonise to the rest of us.
The retired police boss, while expressing his support for the scheme, advocated the setting up of a Police trust fund which he said, “should be managed by a committee of men of high integrity. Such men should be those who are no more after amassing wealth for themselves. The committee will collect the money while the inspector general of police will submit his requirement to them before releasing money".
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Oh, and in the aftermath of the Wabara brouhaha, the Machiavellian Senator Arthur Nzeribe revealed how the plot to remove Wabara was hatched and explained how David Mark was chosen to spearhead the campaign because of his ”very high integrity”.
Nzeribe explained how David Mark was chosen outside the South-East caucus, which started the campaign because of his "very high integrity as well as sound cognate senatorial experience."

Catch you later

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23/02/04

Many readers still don't know what to make of Foolscap. From the tons of mail and calls we receive, many desperately want to believe our stories are true and they're disappointed when we tell them they're unbelievable!
"You must have read our disclaimer," I asked a befuddled enquirer.
"Yes, I did!"
"It says: 'we're passing off lies as the truth and putting words into politicians' mouths which they never uttered. We're simply feeding you a whole load of lies'….," I reminded him.
"I know that's what it says, but I don't believe that!"

* * *

Still, on our load of lies. It's a little worrying when professional colleagues fall in the category of readers who believe our lies. Or am I mistaken?
An old colleague, now boss of a major publication in Nigeria phoned me up and shouted joyously down the line: "Incredible news stories! Though a little unbelievable, I couldn't just stop laughing at their unusualness!"
When the temperature calmed, he asked coolly: "So, how did you scoop those stories?"
"We didn't scoop them, we manufactured them," I quipped.

"I know that, you fool!" he retorted. "I said that tongue-in-cheek! Even you couldn't tell that was a rhetorical question. Gotcha!"

Indeed, this is a game two can play!

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Incidentally, we have been inundated with thousands of enquiries from young Nigerians on how to pursue their dreams of landing jobs in America after reading our Nigeria promises to fill job vacancies in America story.
It is sad that those young Nigerians could fall for it. It is even sadder, from the tone of their enquiries that they might even have known the piece was a send-up, but were determined, out of desperation, to pursue it nevertheless. One youth wrote from Nigeria: "I have a feeling it [the story] might not be reliable, but please help me to find a job in America or anywhere else abroad."

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I've just come across something I scribbled at the back of an envelope 14 years ago while I was at the Guardian, Lagos -something I had hoped at the time to turn into a cartoon. The doodle was a reaction to a gossip making the rounds in the corridors of Babangida's power concerning some of his brightest and respected advisers or errand boys. It was common knowledge that Babangida relished the company of intellectuals and academics.
Anyway, before I could get down to the business of transforming the scribble into a cartoon, something ominous happened to stop me in my tracks. I was face to face with one of the central characters of the gossip at a small gathering, where, to the utter surprise of those who thought he might deny it, he jocularly narrated his own humiliating put down by the First Lady, Maryam Babandiga. She was alleged to have tongue-lashed him for failing to carry out a common assignment. After which she queried: "How did you ever become a Professor?"

Casting his eyes on me knowingly, the Prof said he managed to keep his cool because Babangida later remarked: "Prof, don't take it personally. She doesn't spare me either!"
I instantly lost interest in making the cartoon. In this business, it is not exciting to lampoon somebody who gives you a knowing glance of: "now, I've spoilt it for you". Besides, it's a betrayal in some sort.

But 14 years later, I do feel amply justified to show you what I scribbled on the envelope. Here goes..

Three bright Profs
Three bright Profs

See how they run
See how they run

They all run errand for the president's wife
Who clip their wings with her caustic tongue

Did you ever see such a slight in your life?
As three bruised Profs!

Erm…. That's it!

Catch you later.

22/12/03

It just occurred to me, I have not given you any excuses for the delay in coming out with the much-announced and overrated Sycophant Newsletter. To think we kept you on tenterhooks for three years! Bear with me while I explain the circumstances. The truth is, there are forces in Abuja hell-bent on not letting us have things our way.

Why? For instance, we once had over two thousand email addresses of willing subscribers to The Sycophant Newsletter, which we painstakingly collected through our site for eleven long months. Then, one day we got to the office and found the computer housing the subscriptions database had been cleared off!

We thought nothing sinister of it, (well, save that it might have been the handiwork of some drug-crazed juveniles in the neighbourhood) until a couple of weeks later, when I received an email from an old colleague who, by his own admission, is “now fully ensconced in Abuja politics and doing well for myself, thank you!” He wrote in the next paragraph: “My friend, come to Abuja. There’re over 101 job opportunities that will change your mind about publishing that useless newsletter.”

Maybe it was a coincidence. But excited by the prospect, I promptly replied thus: “No problem. I will definitely come down to Abuja to see which plum political appointment or government contract I can pick up, but not before I have been certified brain-dead.”

With that, the battle line was drawn. And for us to win, we would need you on our side. What this means is we’re going to ask you to please re-submit your email to subscribe to the sycophant. We promise this time not to let you down.

* * *

I better go over the details of the Newsletter again. Call it Noiseletter or Newsfetter if you like.

The Sycophant is a fortnightly confidential newsletter available only by subscription. In the Sycophant, we break confidential gossip (not rumour) as they make the rounds in the corridors of power, in very witty, short paragraphs. These are confidential social and political incidents involving public figures and institutions.

All stories are well researched and contributed by well-tested journalists, professionals and reliable government officials. They carry no bylines; (at least, officials on the firing line won't know who to bribe against the next story!)

Thus, the noiseletter can be trusted for very objective, unsentimental reportage. It will make no sacred cow (Nigeria's President Obasanjo's favourite phrase, eh?) of any individual, organisation or political party.

When you subscribe to the Sycophant, you will also get a free access to the archives and members-only area. And you will be making sure we’re afloat.

* * *

I’ve just read an interesting news report. A top Nigerian government functionary confirmed that a handful of Nigerians have over $170bn lodged in foreign banks and accounts. She boasts we have rich individuals but poor economy and poor country. And there’s nothing wrong with individuals stacking up their money wherever they please.

She says it’s no big deal that Nigeria owes $31bn. Nigeria is a big country. She can afford to owe. If she cannot pay, she’s got a sizeable collateral of 120 million people to bear the burden, if not now, in the future.

So, what this means is that it is Nigeria’s 120 million people unscrupulous lenders and creditors can take to the cleaners for owing measly $31bn and not a handful of individuals and politicians who merely negotiated the loans. And I daresay, who, coincidentally count among the “handful of Nigerians having over $170bn lodged in foreign banks and accounts”. That’s fair, isn’t it?

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There’s a worrying thought that our politicians are always praying for and looking forward to disasters in developed countries because they provide them with excuses for their own incompetence at home.

They loved it that there was a total blackout in New York and a major power failure in London. And they’re relishing the ongoing ravaging of California by fire.

Last week, Nigeria’s International Airport, Lagos was gutted by fire, leading to total collapse of the airport and a trail of mess.

And how did the government console itself?

“What’s wrong with us having fire disasters now and again”, said the minister of Tourism. “It shows we are not different from the rest of the world when it comes to being visited by disasters. Thank God that these things happen in the developed countries too, otherwise our detractors here won’t let us hear the last of it.”

They coped in New York and in London and they’re coping in California, thank you! What the minister should also be asking is; “Why can’t we cope with disasters like other countries.”

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My buddy stopped by the office the other day. While hurriedly clearing my desk so we go off to a nearby Cameroonian Smoked Fish and Dodo Chop Bar, his eyes caught a cartoon I was preparing for a daily newspaper and we launched into a topic we couldn’t just abandon. So we sat back, opened a bottle of red wine and went for it.

By the time we finished the third bottle of wine, he rasped out a quotable, which he wasn’t even aware of until I repeated it:

“The way we carry on in Nigeria makes me realise the difference between civilian rule and democracy. It is clear we are in a civilian rule.

Catch you later.
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