INTRUSIVE INTERVIEW:

Abuja Masterplan is made for man, not man for masterplan - Alhaji Hantuu

Intrusive Interview With Alhaji Ibraheem Hantuu, Nigeria's Deputy Sinnate President

He is barely five feet tall. But what he lacks in height he makes up for in a rotund potbelly and affected effervescence. He has recently taken the definition of politics to a new height with his success in single-handedly instigating the Plato State crisis and ensuring the declaration of a state of emergency to spite his self-acclaimed enemy, Governor Joshua De Ariya.

He stunned the nation again when he embarked on a surreptitious campaign of calumny against the FCity Minister, Mallam El-Ruf-rai-da. The anti-Ruf-rider campaign was so orchestrated that the Nigerian Sinnate rose as one man to demand the sack of the minister. For the first time in the history of Nigeria, the sinnators are on strike and everybody is pointing accusing fingers in the direction of Sinnator Hantuu. Many Nigerians have been wondering what stuff the diminutive sinnator is made of.
Our raving reporter, Omo Alatojubo caught up with him recently, just after his aides completed the loading of a dozen Ghana-Must-Go bags into the expansive booth of his Mercedes. Love him or hate him, the sinnator is an interviewer's delight:

Question: Alhaji Hantuu, thank you for granting this interview at short notice
Answer: (Clears throat) Young man, I thought you said you are from Website Foolscap newspaper. I expected you to know protocol. The proper way to address me is His Excellency, Distinguished Sinnator Alhaji (Dr.) Ibraheem Hantuu, Deputy President of the Sinnate of the Federal Republic of Nigeria, Man of Integrity and, by the special grace of Almighty Allah, the Galadima of Kutuwenji-yamutu . You understand?

Question: Noted sir. All protocols observed...
Answer: You have not observed any protocol.

Question: Okay sir, Your Excellency, Distinguished Sinnator Alhaji (Dr.) Ibraheem Hantuu, Deputy President of the Sinnate, Federal Republic of Nigeria and Galadima of Kutuwenji-yamutu, there have been insinuations in the media that you are behind the ethno-religious crisis in Plateau State. What is your excellency's reaction?
Answer: I know you were sent by the Christians to annoy me, but I won't vex with you. I am Plateau's number one citizen by virtue of my office. The allegations against me were fabricated by my enemies. But I support the declaration of a state of emergency if that is what you want to know. Governor De Ariya is a stupid boy. We put him there and we can remove him. In fact, he will not return to that position. Quote me. Next question!

Question: You have not answered the question, sir.
Answer: What question?

Question: Is it true that you are behind the crisis in your state?
Answer: No. Next question!

Question: Sir, last year, Mallam Rough-rider, the FCity minister accused you and Sinnator Swingnna of demanding and receiving a bribe of 540 million Naira from a top government official before Ruf-rider’s confirmation as minister. How true is his allegation?
Answer: I was exonerated by the Sinnate Panel which probed the matter, so what is your own problem now? Do you know better than the distinguished panelists?

Question: But sir, we actually traced the cheque to the bank and discovered that the money was collected by somebody with the same name as you and his signature looks exactly like yours. What is your reaction?
Answer: My friend, who paid you to trace the cheque to the bank? You see my problem with you journalists? Anyway, are you not aware of impersonators? Am I the only person bearing Ibraheem Hantuu in Nigeria? Are you not aware that there are many James Onanefe Iboris in this country? Go and find your own Ibraheem Hantuu and stop asking stupid questions.

Question: What about the Abuja plots sir. There are rumours that you cornered 120 prime plots (each valued at 50 million Naira) during the tenure of the former FCity minister and that the recent computerisation exercise in the MFCity has exposed many people, including you. Can you clear the air?
Answer: You are fouling the air and telling me to clear it (smiles) Seriously, I have declared my assets at the Code of Conduct Bureau. I am not going to descend so low as to start declaring my assets in the media. Oh, and er.. point of correction…20 prime plots, not 120! Next question!

Question: Sir, can you comment on the failed attempt to remove your boss, Sinnate President O. Nwa Agbara. The grapevine had it that you were hunting with the hound and running with the hare.
Answer: Not true. This is why you journalists should do your homework. I have never been a hunter. If I want meat, I buy from the market. The Sinnate President is a democrat because he now allows things to go round. If things don't go round, then they won't digest and that will lead to trouble.

Question: Can you expatiate sir.
Answer: Next question!

Question: Sir, what is your candid opinion of the FCity Minister, Mallam El-Rough-rai-da?
Answer: He is too small for me to comment on. Just a small boy. No, I won't comment on that boy. He is saying that silence is the best answer for a fool. And we are saying that the President should remove him from office. We don't want a sabotagist (sic) in government. Chikena. What is your problem?

Question: But many Nigerians think that El-Rough-rider is doing a good job...
Answer: Shut up! What good job? Pulling down people's houses for the simple reason that they were built on drainage and power lines? Why couldn't he divert the drainage and power lines instead of pulling down the houses?

Question: Sir, those houses were illegally erected where they should not be. If you look at the Abuja masterplan...
Answer: And so? You are talking as if you are not a Nigerian. Masterplan is made for man, not man for masterplan.

Question: Well, considering the fact that El-Ruf-rider is a technocrat...
Answer: Techno-minini? Don't fool yourself and don't annoy me, he is just an ordinary surveyor, and not even a good one.

Question: So, you are even casting aspersions on his professional integrity?
Answer: Look here, young man, I will close this interview if you don't have better questions. By the way, on whose side are you?

Question: On the side of truth sir.
Answer: Then take what I have told you. That is the truth. By the time we finish with that small boy, he will regret ever taking government appointment.

Question: So, you are behind his travails?
Answer: Young man, don't put words in my mouth! You'd better be careful. I have been patient enough with you.

Question: Okay sir. About two months ago, the newspapers said you prevented a scheduled Virgin Atlantic international flight from taking off at the Murtala Mohammed International Airport, just because you could not get a first class seat? What actually happened?
Answer: I am the Number 5 citizen- after the President, V.P, Sinnate President, Speaker. I am Number 5. How can they tell me that first class seats are finished? I wanted only one seat. Can you imagine the insult- they were offering me business class! My position is bigger that those of many presidents of small countries. If the Speaker of the British parliament is travelling, will they tell him the seats are fully booked?

Question: But you could have booked well in advance sir, or were you expecting the airline to drop a passenger with a confirmed first class ticket in order to accommodate you?
Answer: I don't want to say that you are a fool for that statement. Am I a slave in my own country? If those people want to do business here, they must learn to give respect to whom it is due.

Question: Could you comment on the allegation that Sinnate funds in your care...
Answer: I know where you are going and I think enough is enough. First, you want me to declare my assets on the pages of your Foolscap website newspaper and then...

Question: Foolscap is not a newspaper, sir. It is an online Court of Humour Rights. It is a website dedicated to monitoring humour rights violations in Nigeria.
Answer: Human rights, my foot! Are you the United Nations? So, you are not even a newspaper and I have been wasting my time answering your foolish questions. No wonder my PA didn’t prepare a brown envelope for you. So, am I safe?

Question: On a final note sir...
Answer: Goodbye, bye-bye, sai anjima (yawns)