INTRUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH TARFA
… former Inspector-General of Police

Conscience, what conscience? - Balogun

Since the arraignment of Naija’s former Inspector-General of Police on a 70-count charge of sundry financial crimes, many acidic tongues have been wagging. The issue has generated so much interest that it has become one of the favourite pastimes in beer parlours where beer-drinking criminals mix with potential thieves and professional harlots, hypocritical public officers, bribe-giving businessmen and their GMG-loving legislathief patrons, unemployed and unemployable louts, and ordinary honest-to-God semi-alcoholics.

One of our raving reporters, Omo Oloju-kokoro recently sought out the man at the centre of the storm at his palatial home for this rare soul-baring and pocket-baring* interview he gave since his release from the protective custody of the EFCC. This interview was held not too long before he was rough-handled by the Police.

The Fool’s Cap:
Sir, how did you find your detention?

Tarfa:
EFCC detention? Ah, ten times better than Police or SSS detention for sure; ten times better than prison detention; and ten times better than being at home!

The Fool’s Cap:
But you gave the public a different impression of the EFCC detention.

Tarfa:
I didn’t! My hangers-on did, for their own reasons. They couldn’t get what they wanted from me when I was at the EFCC detention centre, because of the strict controls and security.

The Fool’s Cap:
People still wanted things from you while in incarceration? Didn’t they realise you were no longer influential or powerful or rich?

Tarfa: That’s what you say. These people know differently. I won’t say more than that. I was cool there in detention! But since I’ve been back home, it’s been real hell.

The Fool’s Cap:
So, what’s wrong with being at home?

Tarfa: Look at that CCTV monitor there. That’s my other sitting room and the 20 or so people you see eating and drinking are “sympathisers and well-wishers”. They come everyday. Ten-twelve hours shift! And none of them goes away without something in their pockets.

The Fool’s Cap: I understand, sir. So what’s wrong with prison or the Police/SSS detention for that matter?

Tarfa:
What’s wrong ? Plenty! To start with, if you are kept in a prison detention, then we’re looking at you being there for two, three, four years before you get a conviction.

The Fool’s Cap:
Two, three, four years? Why would they detain anyone in prison for that long?

Tarfa:
I will tell you. Say, If you had 13 billion naira when they brought you in, I guarantee you, by the time you get a conviction four years later –most likely your freedom - all the money would have gone!
Everybody outside – from the lawyers to the judges, to powerbrokers, to punters, to friends and family, will want a piece of the action. They make you pay for everything, even including taking tender loving care of your wives! By the time you’ve been in there for a year, you’ll be big and powerful. You can do as you please and can have everything, but mind you, all on your bill. Inmates and warders will be at your beck and call. Like General Al-Mustapha, you can even have a hotline number direct to the president!

The Fool’s Cap: You mentioned possibility of freedom after prolong prison detention. Isn’t that a better option?

Tarfa:
No- O! Freedom with empty pocket? By the time they release you, you’ll be lucky if you have enough money left to patch the broken parts of your life.

The Fool’s Cap:
Talking of 13 billion, sir, is it really true that you salted away that much?

Tarfa:
How can it be true? The actual amount was 30 billion, but my Party took 17 billion through senior operatives. The remaining N13 billion was in various accounts in various names. None of the money was traced to my name

The Fool’s Cap:
Your Party? You mean your department, Nigerian Police?

Tarfa:
No, my party! The political party I was serving!

The Fool’s Cap:
Okay, sir, you talked about your Party taking N17 billion. Which party?

Tarfa:
With due respect, that is a foolish question! How many parties do you know?

The Fool’s Cap:
Sir, are you referring to the ruling party?

Tarfa:
You see yourself? You want to compound my problem?

The Fool’s Cap:
Sorry, sir! Now, coming back to the N13 billion question - is it really true that you salted away that much?

Tarfa: I said the remaining N13 billion was in various accounts in various names. None of the money was traced to my name.

The Fool’s Cap:
Oh, yes, I’m with you sir. And in fact, one of the lodgements was made in the name of Bayoor Mustafa. Is Tarfa not a short form of Mustafa and is Bayoor not your middle name?

Tarfa: My name as everybody knows is Tarfa Balogun. How can Tarfa and Mustafa be the same? Is Tony not different from Anthony?

The Fool’s Cap:
How then did your signature get on the bank documents?

Tarfa: Simple forgery. If you go to Oluwole area of Lagos, they will forge any signature for you for five thousand Naira.

The Fool’s Cap:
But who do you think is behind your travails?

Tarfa:
That small boy thinks he can send me to jail. Aanu e nse mi (I’m sorry for him.)

The Fool’s Cap:
Did I hear you right sir. Are you calling the President a small boy?

Tarfa:
Ah, don’t complicate matters for me-O! How can I call somebody who was my father a small boy? The small boy at the EFCC who handcuffed me, that’s who!

The Fool’s Cap:
Did you say the President “was” your father?

Tarfa:
When the going “was” good, yes !… when I was his good boy, doing his bidding and I could never do wrong in his eyes, yes! .. when he pampered me, decorated me with honours and was there for me….

The Fool’s Cap:
Sorry to bring up emotions, but…I just wanted to get to the bottom of the issue. Okay, may I ask you about your own assessment of your tenure as IG under your “father”?

Tarfa:
Ah, my record is there for all to see. I made the entire force become proactive. I invented the new concept of community policing by increasing the numerical strength of the police from 100,000 to 400,000 so that many more checkpoints could be created and manned in the community; and so that the revenue collection business of the Police can be effective.

While my men concentrated on their checkpoint duties of collecting N20 from every commercial driver, I single-handedly fought criminals and criminality at the Police HQ traffic junction, Abuja where it was becoming increasingly tricky to create the various diversions that were necessary to keep the Police Fund off-the-road or off its target, as it were. Sorry, for my Police jargons…..

I ensured that elections were free and fair to my party and I ensured safety of lives and property of the rich and powerful who toed the line. The list is endless really.

The Fool’s Cap:
But the governor of one of the South-South states recently claimed that you took a bribe of 350 million naira to facilitate his re-election.

Tarfa:
Young man, I’m warning you O! Did the governor write his cheque in my name? Or did anybody see me collecting it?

The Fool’s Cap:
It wasn’t a cheque, sir. The cash was delivered in Ghana-Must-Go bags.

Tarfa: Did anybody see me collecting it? You know how many Ghana-Must-Go bags you will need to carry N350million?

The Fool’s Cap:
I wouldn’t know sir? How many?

Tarfa:
Fifty-two and a half!

The Fool’s Cap:
Thank you for that privileged information, sir. Which brings me to the next question. When you were in EFCC detention, there were rumours that you have parted ways with your conscience and that it was waiting outside the detention centre to lynch you. The story was in one of the newspapers.

Tarfa:
Did you believe it?

The Fool’s Cap:
Who wouldn’t? Anybody with conscience would….

Tarfa:
Were ni e. (You are insane!). You need to see a psychiatrist. What is conscience? Who talks about conscience in today’s Nigeria? Or who even knows what it is? Am I not in my house now, alive and well and carrying on receiving sympathisers and well-wishers and doling out money? Look at the CCTV monitor again, that’s my garden and the main gates. How many people can you see?

The Fool’s Cap:
About 50, sir

Tarfa:
Right! I have some more people in my private study/office. Mainly PR people and journalists like you. Lots of brown envelopes are changing hands as we speak. Hurry, or they’ll give yours out to an impostor. You still want to talk about conscience? Huh!

The Fool’s Cap:
(Leaving hurriedly) Sorry sir. And erm, how do I get to your private study/office, sir?
(Ends)

*Editor’s note:
We have since fired Omo Oloju-kokoro for his despicable, unprofessional conduct after the interview. Can I hear you say it was to do with the brown envelope he collected? Yes, you’re damn right! He was fired because he kept the content of the envelope all to himself. Greedy bastard!